Life? 我还是死定 *sigh*

today was a ... ... ... yehh. =(

i woke up at usual time 6 45ish and had cereal and orange juice, off i go to school~ lalalala.. a bus and train ride later im at school. first two periods was a wate of time, for some reason recess is a blank =s, wait..me and ian played the gun game with clapping ^^. got my test results back from the log test ==; , man how did ian beat me LOL. wilko was away today so I had last two periods off =D! so phantomcrew stayed at gym for period 5, i reckon josh , ian and mang are getting too imba >.> spinning nikes, switch hand pikes @@ sigh ... when am i going to catch up. went bocky after to buy pressie , then caught train home. then nerded my life away for a few hours.. up to now ^^".


But more importantly, back to camp >.< ~

12th (wow im still on the same day? =O) -
I remember the star knit sky, just that view was enough to make me feel like a total imcompetent in front of my lord. kneeling down, i pretty much told him about how much i missed him in my life. but, i didnt feel sad or regretful anymore, it was really heartwarming to sit there in the moonlight just thinking about myself and god. but as i realised how poor i was in spirit, i started to feel really guilty and it was killing me. standing up, i realise how sick a person i am. not worthy. i remember seeing the faces of everyone who finished the walk, everyone had their own stories. for many they seemed peaceful and joyful, seeing people cry with tears, i really wondered why i felt almost no love for anything i knew. sickening. we took a timeout after and went to the dining room. when everyone finished i remember the peace that was in the room, it seemed like all our burdens had been lifted off our shoulders. it was wonderful, even if only temporary for some of us. we praised him for hours without resting, and singing the same lyrics over and over again never changed our passion.

im pretty sure thats the night we stayed up, but then again i was probably too tired to remember the details. the last memory i had of that night, was actually the sunset in the morning ROFL. it was beautiful, and too bright to look at, and it came perfectly over our mountain campsite.

13th -
I found this day really depressing in a way, because i knew that for me personally, i would get really distracted again once my "life" started. in many ways, this was likely to be the most touching experience. in the morning after a wrap up, doc john encouraged us to share. it got off to a slow start, but as each person went up, it just felt like someone was slowly pulling my heart out of my chest ^^" (makes sense?). seeing siblings up there, hugging each other, loving each other and supporting each other, gave me a sense of lonliness i guess. after hearing andy speak...i was really torn in two. i could hear god telling me "hey son, go back and give our old man a huge hug, im sure its hard and difficult, but your life was meant to change today!" i knew he was right.

as people broke down, i could feel love overflow from each and every person. i just felt like telling people that i loved them..hmm i kinda feel like that right now, just by talkng bout it. god, youve shown me a family of christ, empowered by your love. eeverything after was only a shadow compared to that experience.

thus, fusion camp 09 comes to an end

god, i feel sick of my sins now, i feel sick of my person. if it would please you, lift me of my burdens and set me free. your son was defiled, so that such a person like me, would have a salvation. i'm sorry that my strength is not enough to carry me through, give me your hand and ill give you mine. i remember the circumstances i came to you in, poor, broken and weak. you took me out ofthe grave and gave me fusion to be my family. lord, i thank you so much for each person in fusion, that each one of them are unique but are all bonded by you. to be given a family like this is truly a blessing. lately, ive felt something was missing again, i couldnt tell what it was until that night. as i left you behind me, all my relationships have become weak and brittle. my heart closed up on itself and left behind an empty shell who resembled a human. in a empty world, i was also empty. god, i feel the pain from being distanced from fusion, and i find it hard to believe that i left you so easily. forgetting what binds my heart to happiness and peace, only to chase after what made me feel empty. my own chameleon self became only another unfocused human. underneath all my smiles and politeness, i felt sick of this world and its people. but what was really sick was myself. i believe this is only the begginning, but show me your love again, please. dont leave me in the dark anymore..i cant find anyone.

In my lords strong name, amen

will you really come and save me?

If my heart has grown cold
There Your love will unfold
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
When I’m blind to my way
There Your Spirit will pray
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
Oceans will part nations come
At the whisper of Your call
Hope will rise glory shine
In my life Your will be done
Present suffering may pass
Lord Your mercy will last
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand

I dont feel like being blind anymore , truly...

ken

VCE ? 我死定了

Today was tiring, hmm...or maybe i'm just tired now. woke up at 6 40ish to get ready for school, sighh..first period was maths test, geegee, logarithms and log graphs. I swear mr. smith never taught us all this stuff, but then again I could be wrong, cause i never listen to him in class ^^" ah.. well i guess its more productive to do work then to listen to him ramble on about his maths creations. anyways, the test was pretty bs the first time I went through it, luckily i finished in time to double check everything =D phew. i really hope i do okay, i hardly studied for this one T_T *guilty*. hopefully the end of years will be short enough for me to double check, or im gged. nothing else really important about school. everyone seemed a bit stoned today, hmm..maybe holidays after effect =s. after school, slept on bus and studied when i got home. then swimming, saw ray the fag. rofl, and darren was missing, hrmmm, prob working again ==;. stupid nick kept talking to me about dota, @@, mannn took me so much effort to quit dota all together and now i'm so tempted to go back, AHH, please god let me refrain from asking anyone for warcraft 3.

weeeeeelllllllll, i was thinking of finishing my camp memorial so here we go :
12th -
this was the most epic sunday i'd had in a while. i remember waking up late just like the day before, except this time nobody told me to wake up ==;, and everyone had already started meditacion! meditation was okay i guess, i slept through a bit of it, but then i felt guilty and decided to read through the extract. suprisingly, the extract was really gory, things like jesus getting his flesh ripped off, blood flowing down his legs, etc. soo it really made me think about what it meant to be whipped. LOL. yah, i sound pretty dumb ^^"", but before i read this my mind would always just go, "oh yeah, jesus got whipped and spat at , then he took a heavy cross and got nailed onto it, and hey hey im saved!" ofcourse, it wasn't really that bad, but in a sense somewhere deep i was ignoring common sense, cause i thought of the experience as being "normal" i guess, just heard it too many times. i also remember our group had a very touching sharing time, which im hoping not to forget, so that's why a write it down in this blog =D.

i pigged out at breakfast, cause everyone kept saying that we wouldn't get lunch, LOL. it's not as epic as the 40 hour famine, but i'll still be starving ==;. after charging up, we went to do the stations of the cross, well im sure we did something before that, but i don't have my camp timetable here >.<. the stations was a unique experience, it was probably one of the only times that i could see sam actually be serious about something =O=O, i just remember being really emo about the whole thing. the hand washing part really annoyed me though, cause the dye didn't come off until 2 days after the camp. we had to whip a tree which symbolised jesus, that was okay i guess. then we had to carry this gay cross which dug into your shoulders, and i realised how painful it must have been for jesus to make the journey to calvary. i'm a bit ashamed of myself, here i am complaining about a cross which is one-tenth the size of a real one. having someone whip you must have been really humiliating aswell, how humble jesus must have been. If it was me i would have rather get killed punching on a soldier. but jesus even had the deathnote, but he didn't use it to escape the pain. as we nailed our sins on the cross, honestly, i felt that my troubles were starting to leave me, and this kind of unnatural peace was there. I felt like i had hope, joy and family all at once, i guess it's hard to explain with my english, hahhaha...my heart found peace...hahaha how ironic.

everything after that was a bit of a blank. ROFL. i remember singing, jumping and worshipping god with all my heart, ahh..how wonderful it was. i think a lot of people opened up after the stations, im so happy when i think about josh ^^ ohh josh..his innocent love for god, and dedication is so touching. i guess that was really when god was visibly working in us, people slowly started to let go of heavy hearts and experience his love again. we had pita bread for dinner that night, if god allows me, please never let me touch that stuff again. no offense, but it tastes a bit like eating wheat straight off the stalk. LOL. the oil made it worse and the butter made it oily and salty and dry.. ewwwwwww. we started the night with another worship session, and this time almost everyone started jumping and shouting.. ahhh.. ^^. it's so happy thinking about it. although at that point god had only taken out josh and cath. everyone was being touched in their own ways. doc john then announced a prayer walk, which was probably the most life-changing experience i've had in my LIFE? taking the dark path, was honestly quite creepy at the start, but as the darkness slowly consumed my vision it soothed me to know that i wasn't alone anymore. at one point the trees had been cleared out, and all you could see was the brightest of stars staring into your face. thousands, millions? it didn't matter, it was proof of his majesty. or do you expect me to believe in the big bang theory? x]

it's getting a bit late so i better stop here.. finish the epic story tommorow then!

sweet dreams,
ken

我回来啦，小子 ;]

Dear blogger,
Recently in my life I felt an unfillable gap, this gap was slowly eating away at my heart and breaking down my soul and spirit (same thing? =O) My life was horrible, until one day I saw inspiration which reminded me of YOU. I'm sorry Mr.Blog for leaving you all alone =(, please forgive me.


hmm..now to a real post ~


This week was pretty okay I guess, but I guess it's time to be honest about my life to my blog. ^^, as compesation for my lack of dedication. hohoho.. this week I almost got fired from Maccas because I *cough* "forgot" to go to three shifts in a row, then the stupid fat head manager decided to rage at me over the phone ^^". life does seem uneventful, I must apologise to phantom for missing his bday outing, hahaha sorry phantom! fingers crossed for tommorow, hoping that I don't get punished with 1 minute handstands @@. more importantly I had camp on easter weekend!! =D=D wooh!

Fusion Camp 09:
10th -
woke up really early in the morning because I decided to do a morning jog ^^, spent the rest of my time packing food and homework for the camp and then went to sleep. frickin dad woke me up late for the car trip and soooo i was pretty pissed. ~one gay car trip later~ i arrived at camp late, as alwayss. I guess what hit me the most from arriving at camp was Doc John, I remember after dinner I decided to be anti-social and go take a nap in the worship/fusion room? anyways, i sat down on a comfy sofa ready to go to sleep. Then a man walks in who looks a bit..erm.. how to say...ordinary? the guy decided to talk to me and he was all happy and cheerful about meeting me, so I went through the normal adult introduction thing, handshakes and all. honestly, he was ruining my sleeping time. but, i felt something different about him, he tried to ask me about my interests and fusion. I thought that was pretty wtf to be honest ==; , he didnt ask the normal adult questions, like "what school are you from?" "how old are you?" "who are your parents?" "do you smoke and take drugs?" . it really gave me respect to him, he respected us for who we we're and didn't probe me like every other person out there. sigh ~ well the only other thing annoying me about that night was... MY HOMEWORK OMG ARRARARA. yeh.. so that pretty much ended my plans for 3 days of no-sleep study ==;. i just remember being bored for the whole night including prayer stations, until after midnight, haha lovely to spend time with friends =]. *cough* battle of gippsland .

11th -
rough night i remember =(, waking up to find that i was late for our 7:30 meditacion? soo I pretty much just go in my PJs only to find people walking around in front a locked building T_T. then gavin and stuff went and bashed in people's doors to wake them up and I remember hearing some leaders grunt ^^ hehe good fun!
camp food was horrible .
we made a cross and we made it the fastest aswell @_@ bwahahaha! thanks to our superior skills and luke =3. we enjoyed watching other people slave away, and some people who sanded for hours after we finished *proud*. I'd hate to be cocky, but we creamed them ^^. so then me and anna decided to memorise all the verses, and we failed. so brian told us to do a page each, and i swear i had the hardest page ==;. and so our afternoon went on.

that night we were brought before the crucible, to be honest it was a hard hitting experience. as we were lead towards the room, i remember feeling really uncomfortable and confused. as we each stood alone in the room, they started hitting us with questions. i'm really proud of my group, especially luke and betty. luke shot them down so quickly ^^ ahh... i was just exhausted after the crucible. but it was pretty lol how sam got rejected by everyone LOL.

im tired so maybe i'll finish this off tommorow..

take care,
ken